Drugged Monkey 13
Preseason Rituals
It's back. The season is upon us. Ski movie premiers. Ski swaps and sales. Season passes are bought and photos are taken. I'll try not to spend too much money or expose myself in public too often, but it's just that time of year. The anticipation of the impending season can be maddening. Taking off all your clothes and leaving the dressing room door open at Sniagrab. Pretending to be shocked when people open the door. Wondering what they're thinking a completely naked person might be buying. It really is a special time of year.
There's nothing quite like going to ski movie premiers to see all the big name pros and get posters signed. Unbuttoning your shirt and rubbing your hairy nipples as you approach them. Watching a horror rise in their eyes that‘s typically reserved for the mountains. Handing them a pair of leather underwear with a fruit salad inside. Telling them about the time you had a dream that the two of you went shopping for curtains and bought everything in a fit of passion, but then a month later the bill came and you had a big fight and he left with all the curtains and you've never really been able to forgive him. Maybe you freak out a little and start shouting? Maybe accusations of "loving the curtains more than me" are made? That's what this time of year is all about.
Obtaining one's season pass photo is just one more opportunity to say to the world: "I am one sick bastard." Maybe wear a feather boa, some lipstick and generally pretend it's a glamour shot? You could ask for them to have a large industrial fan ready to blow your hair in dramatic fashion. An entourage or "posse" is generally required for the previous suggestion. Bring a small dog with a scarf as well. Don't worry if you're on a budget you could always do something simple like sculpt a vagina out of play dough for your forehead. The point is to have fun and create a police record so bizarre that should you ever kill anyone you'll just get sent to a low security sanitarium.
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