SNOWSPORTS SHOW APTITUDE TEST

What mountain-town yokels need to know about Vegas

The SnowSports Industries America show in Las Vegas is an annual fixture on the calendar of skiiing's sponsored rock-stars, industry mavens, and magazine droids. Held this season from Jan. tk to tk, SIA is the signature dry-land stop on the winter circuit. So it pays to know how to deal in Sin City.

Some folks consider Las Vegas--loud, excessive, short on history and arts-- America's joke on itself. Others consider Las Vegas an unabashed den of inequity. Others consider it a family resort, as if six-year-olds look forward to receiving fliers advertising anal sex, while watching Daddy gamble away their college funds.

Do you understand Vegas? Or do you ride the Vegas short bus? To find out, take this test. Why? Well, why are there slot machines at the airport's departure gates? Because Vegas likes to compete, dammit. So quit hedging and jump in.

1. The intersection of Tropicana and the Strip features four mega-hotels: Excalibur, New York-New York, the Tropicana, and the MGM Grand—the biggest hotel in the world. Which of the following statements about this intersection is false?

A. It has more hotel rooms than all of San Francisco.
B. Its traffic congestion might have something to do with the fact that Vegas is the third most polluted city in America.
C. It's just like a village in the Austrian Alps, where intimate pensions surround the central glockenspiel.

2. In the 1950s, the U.S. government conducted nuclear testing just 65 miles away from Las Vegas. One chilling photograph shows a mushroom cloud visible over the downtown horizon. What's an appropriate reaction to such tests?

A. "Just because we used them to annihilate a couple Japanese cities and win World War II doesn't mean nukes are dangerous."
B. "Damn rattlesnakes and sagebrush had it comin'!"
C. "Nevada: Go figure."

3. Only a few times in its history have the lights of Vegas been off at night. Which of the following occasions is not one of those times?

A. When John F. Kennedy, a friend of Frank Sinatra's who was highly placed in politics, was assassinated.
B. When Sammy Davis Jr., a friend of Frank Sinatra's who had only one eye, expired.
C. When California's rolling blackouts, which Frank Sinatra never had to experience, blew right past the border without stopping for gas or a cheesy rollercoaster ride.

4. The Venetian—with its Venice-like canals and Venice-like gondoliers—is just one example of a Vegas hotel paying thematic allegiance to a far-off place (in this case, Venice). Which of the following locations has not been immortalized by Vegas accommodations?

A. Paris
B. New York
C. Whatever planet it is that Siegfried and Roy come from.

5. The Liberace Museum is a cherished Vegas institution for people who cherish the flamboyant piano player who paid his chauffeur to have plastic surgery to look more like Liberace himself. Which of the following is not found at this queer museum?

A. A blue velvet cape styled after the coronation robes of King George V and covered with $60,000 worth of rare chinchilla.
B. A 50-pound rhinestone surrounded by bejeweled cars, bejeweled pianos, and bejeweled jewels.
C. Any semblance whatsoever of taste or restraint.

6. Lots of people claim they know Vegas well enough to conquer it. These folks can commonly be found:

A. Raking up $10,000 chips at the baccarat tables at Bellagio.
B. Riding the elevators to the penthouse of the Mirage
C. At a $1.99 all-you-can-eat buffet, fueling up on gray roast beef and albino salads before a rigorous session of can collecting.