DRUGGED MONKEY 22: The Family Reunion Was Held in Prison

The dry cleaners down the street took all our business by including a mint when the patrons came for their clothes. In attempt to regain the clientele we’d lost, we began filling the pockets of the clothing we processed with homemade applesauce. Mom had a recipe that won over the folks at the county fair and she even got her photo taken with the prize-winning hog for the local paper. The hog was later dethroned after failing a drug test, but that didn’t bother mom none. The clipping of the article hung on the wall right next to the arm of “One armed uncle Lewis" (Uncle Lewis only had one arm.) He liked to drive while talking on his cell phone and eating chili. He was also a transvestite and was known to apply his makeup behind the wheel. While driving one day he decided to go as far as he could and never return. It may have had something to do with the body in the trunk and warrants for his arrest, but mom always said was because he was a free spirit. One day the sheriff came by and took his arm from the wall and locked it in a cell. His plan was lure Lewis back for his arm. It didn’t work and the sheriff got caught dressing the arm up for tea parties and lost his job. The sheriff took a job working the night shift in the meat packing plant. Unnatural things happen after dark at that meat plant. Jethro had a port o potty dropped on his head back in 86’ and ever since then he’s been sewing various animal parts together and leaving his creations in random places in the factory. That’s why Old Man Nelson is now Dead Guy Nelson. He fell over dead from a heart attack when he opened the stall door and a skinned 12-legged pig with three heads was waiting for him inside. Luckily we found his body before Jethro did or it would’ve be a very closed casket funeral. I like to climb inside the caskets and hide under the body. When people come by and look in I like to fart. I like to fart almost all the time, but using dead people as puppets to fart makes it more special.