DRUGGED MONKEY 20: SOUND THE ABNER ALERT

The man standing in traffic pleading for me to put more quarters into his giant boot was explaining to me that the quarters I was giving were to help the victims of people run over in heavy traffic while collecting quarters in a boot. I couldn't think of a better cause, but I had already spent my quarters riding the supermarket pony. The mothers turned their eyes to the pavement as they left the store, hoping to avoid eye contact with the surprisingly happy 25 year-old riding the plastic pony. Inside the store, an elderly gentleman had been snatched from the care of his loving daughter (now mother of three and changing multiple sizes of diapers). His captor hauled him to a bathroom stall, shaved his head, put him in a dress and wig and headed for the exit. He looked at me as he left store. I realized something was wrong, but I had just put another quarter in the pony. The grandknapper quickly loaded his cargo into a van. The van had a tiger painted on the side and a circular shaped window that bulged out. As the van left the parking lot, I saw the face of the elderly gentleman (dressed as a young girl) in the window. I think he might have been trying to get a look at that cool tiger painting on the side of the van. That tiger was really cool. He was painted blue instead of orange. I bet a blue tiger would lose it and eat a gay Vegas performer years sooner than a white one would. Of all the cool things to do in Vegas why would you go to watch a couple of fruits playing with cats? I mean, you could pay money to pretend you're in a factory pulling a lever that does something cool each time you pull it. Maybe you could pretend that each time you pull the lever a smurf falls onto a conveyer belt and then, when you pull the lever on the machine next to it, a large wooden mallet smashes the smurf. And every time you smash the right amount of smurfs, (the rest that make it to the end of the conveyor belt just fall in the incinerator anyway) the machine goes crazy and starts making noise and spitting out coins (thus alerting everyone to the fact that you've been smashing smurfs). So you take off running as fast as you can before they can catch you. In the meantime, a man with a boot runs over to the machine and starts pouring quarters in while an ambulance—racing to the scene to save the smurfs—hits him.